i’m used to being forgotten.
i’m used to coming second.
i’m used to being stood up on.
i’m used to being left alone.
but that doesn’t mean
sometimes you feel like no one really knows you exist. no one really cares for your presence. you feel like people think about you only when everyone else is gone.
And then you think that if you disappear people will suddenly realise the difference you made.
Don’t make that mistake. I did. Eventually, you’ll understand that it’s not about making an impact. you just don’t want to be forgotten. so you do something so completely extreme, just so that your name will be the talk of town for the times to come.
but have you ever wondered what happens after that? yes, people will talk in hushed whispers about you. but for how long? a few weeks, months, years even . . . but then they realise that there is no point in living among the ghosts and they keep going.
they realise that shit happens and that they need to move on. they have the choice to move on. But you don’t. Because you made the rash, split-second decision and you can’t leave that behind. you’re stuck in time. but they’re not.
it’s not their lives that have been frozen.
(n.) the fear of being forgotten or ignored.
XOXO, phobiaobsessions ❤
deep i know. but well, it was weighing down on my mind and i had to.
yes, i made an attempt to kill myself.
yes, i’m so bloody broken that people whisper ’bout me on the train and point to me and tell their children that i’m the girl that tried to end her life.
yes, i was in a bad place.
and yes, i felt like i was just a cloud floating amongst the millions of stars in the world, so i tried to shatter myself so i could be remembered as a broken star. . . but never the less a star.
i tried to overdose myself to death because i was tired of being the nerdy girl who was on the honours roll and did nothing reckless in her life. i was sick of being the girl who was always on the sidelines. i was tired of being the one that people would look at, only during the exams.
i was frustrated that my life had been mapped out for me.
but now i realise that yes, i was nerdy. but that’s what made me special. and yes, i maybe the nerdy one in high school but once i stepped into the world of college; i would be the one that got into Harvard and the people who demeaned me would be left in the dust reminiscing about their glorious high school days.
Rehab taught me that i would have never had a problem with my self-esteem if i just took a moment of my time and defended myself. if i had just mustered up the courage to stand up for myself.
but now, senior year is a whole new year and my last year of high school and i realise that i have had enough of people pushing me around and i am going to embrace myself.
“I am Tahlia. I have two best friends, who i love to the ends of the world and who i know would do next to anything for me.
I love to write, swim and doodle Mrs Damon Salvatore on my books and I am not ashamed of it. I would rather sit cooped up in my room with a Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough and a book in my hands than getting drunk off of my ass on a Friday evening.
The secret is to accept yourself and to understand that if you like what you see in the mirror, every morning when you wake up then you will start to notice that no one else has a problem with it.
And if someone does have a problem . . .
Then all you have to do is tell them to fuck the hell off.”
You don’t need stamps of approval from others.
All you need is acceptance for yourself.