autophobia.

and we’re back to my irrational love of phobias

* * *

fear of abandonment.

of desertion.

of neglect.

of being left alone.

of being unloved.

the one thing she never wanted to face hence the one thing she obviously did.

she was surrounded though.

surrounded by friends.

by family.

boys.

girls.

people.

but they blurred. they blurred together and resulted in the formation of this one white spot. they were empty. shallow. meaningless.

did they even care? want to know her? about her?

no.

of course, they didn’t.

they just stuck around for the occasional laughs and gossip and spineless rumors.

sometimes she wondered if anyone ever stopped to wonder how meaningless this system was.

they woke up

took a shower

ate

went to school

gossiped

talked

bitched

laughed

came back home

then talked some more

gossiped

bitched

laughed

ate dinner

and went to bed

repeat.

weren’t people tired of this,

this recurring system of bullshit.

there was no substance.

no reason.

why? why did she have to study, to work hard, get good grades, top the class, get into a good college, make friends, have a good boyfriend, learn to drive, why?

what was SHE going to get out of this?

happiness? there was an easier way to get there, wasn’t there?

she didn’t have to please the rest of the world just so she could be happy, did she?

and what was happiness anyway,

a smile?

a laugh?

a grin?

a smirk maybe?

no one actually knew

people assumed.

how could anyone manage to stand there and do the same monotonous things over and over again hoping to achieve happiness if their destination was based on an assumption?

especially if no one even knew what it even was.

and for that same twisted thing they called happiness attained in whatever ways they thought was reasonable, they left her deserted, isolated, left trapped in her own world…

all because of their lust to be happy, they turned selfish and weren’t bothered enough to look at her and watch her

unable to express.

unable to move.

wanting to but unable to.

 

she was frozen.

and cold.

so alone.

empty.

and alone.

* * *

just another aimless fragment of my thoughts,

tahlia

 

 

 

Advertisements

what do i call it

she’s intimidating and brooding

and she scares people away, because

she’s not made of sugar and spice and everything people imagine to be nice

but rather fire and lightning and everything frightening

 

people see the smoldering flames

and the raging winds

and they think she’s strong

and They think she’s powerful

but really she just tends to burn herself down

 

and all she ever wanted 

was someone to look through all that

and tell her that they understood

 

* * *

mood : draMatic

show me some love,

tahlia

 

 

 

 

he was like a drug and she was high off of him

She considered herself quite the character. She wrote poems about a love that she could only imagine, she wrote stories from her wildest imaginations. She only dreamed and dreamed and dreamed because at the end that was all she could do.

A bit of a free spirit, a wild soul. Burdened with problems of a greater philosophical level yet she seemed to not have a care in the world. No one really understood her, they could either try to and fail or just feel inferior to the aura of her. So one day when a beautiful boy came along, seemingly identical to her, she did not know what to feel. He matched her every thought and knew what she would say a second before she said it. It was the best feeling in the world – to feel like someone understood, to be able to speak her mind without waiting for other’s sluggish minds to catch-up. Yet, how could she be dependant on someone, she couldn’t bear the thought of actually needing someone. She viewed it as an addiction, she took hits of him every now and then but one too many and she knew she wouldn’t be able to let go. So she kept him at an arm’s distance, so close yet so far away.

He couldn’t be tied down, not by her and not by it. He was independent and free. Ambition and strong coffee. His mind ran too fast for the rest of the world, continuously running towards a finish line that would evaporate like a mirage every time he got close. Images blurred past him that he could only try to capture. Dried paint flecks in his hair and hands always coloured, his fingers curled in a paintbrush hold. No one understood him, the paradoxes he painted looked seemingly alien. He craved most to be understood without explanation and that’s when memories from the past flooded his mind. One image in his mind stuck through the haze. He found himself painting her face again, changing the hues of her hair, the curve of her lips. An artist’s liberty but he wanted to find out the truth.

 

His paintings did no justice and the years apart made them practically strangers. Yet, they synced. She had his fast mind and his quick wit. He finally felt understood and damn did it feel good. He didn’t want to let this feeling go yet all those ugly emotions from 16 years ago were flooding back. Feeling this attached to anything at all, feeling like he needed her were foreign emotions and he didn’t like feeling chained, suffocated, committed. He had to fight the urge to flee every second because that was his instinct.  He was too wild a spirit to ever be caged. But he needed to stop thinking of her as a cage, because she was not. She too was a flitty bird probably battling the same instinct he was. He wanted so badly to just embrace this feeling and feel it forever. He was running towards her while desperately trying to turn back around.

A happily ever after is due but a sinner and his sin, a flame and its match ,she didn’t think they’d ever get one.

 

mystery blogger award (ohmygawd)

first of all, can I just say ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd.

Okay, now I’m done.

anyways, I’ve only been writing (or trying to anyway) for the past six months and I don’t think anyone understands exactly how ecstatic I am to be nominated for an award. (I’m sure people who have been writing for much lesser have been nominated but well, I’m really happy so yeah.)

thank you (https://grabbetycovens.wordpress.com/) so much for nominating me, but no i’m not standing for this award just as yet. I honestly don’t think I deserve it at this point. [also go check out the link I mentioned above.]

I mean, lets be honest I don’t update regularly and I probably don’t put half as much effort as the other people nominated for this.

But, thank you so much for nominating me, I am truly honored and I promise to update regularly from now on and pour my heart into every word I write from this moment forth.

Once again words cannot express my gratitude and I know I’m (100% sure) probably making a big deal out of this but yeah Thankyousomuch once again.

* * *

hugs and kisses,

Tahli.

c’est la vérité

roses aren’t always red

& violets aren’t exactly blue,

the society that we live in

it never seems to speak the truth.

 

Smiles aren’t always happy

& frowns aren’t inevitably upset,

people judge too quickly 

& our feelings are what they forget.

 

 

bisou

they told me that to make him fall in love,

I had to make him laugh

but every time he does,

I’m the one who falls.

 


 

” sometimes it’s easier to pretend you don’t care

than to admit it’s killing you on the inside “